How To Get Along With Women

Article Word Count 1407, average reading time 5.8 minutes

I’m going way out on a limb, here.

Warning — this is not science — it comes from my years of coaching people and hearing their stories, and a LOT of living. It’s about romance, particularly the start-up phase.

My phrasing is tilted wa-a-a-ay over to the guy’s side, ’cause I want it to be read. It’s also thick with stereotypes and politically incorrect phrases, so if you’re thin-skinned you might want to skip this.

But send it to a single guy you know – it may save him or some woman a disappointment.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m going to tell the guys how to get along with the girls.

Another warning — this isn’t how to get someone into the sack on the first date — it’s about how to really get along with the opposite sex, and give a relationship a chance to grow.

This Isn’t About Seduction – It’s About Having A Relationship

Guys, I think you need to hear this, and Ladies, enough of you have talked with me to convince me you want them to hear this also. Feel free to send it to anyone you think could use it.

How do I know this stuff? I’m probably older than you, and I’ve been lucky with women all my life. I credit this to my mother who taught me manners, and my dad who taught me to respect women. Respect ’em, but not fear ’em.

Also, I’m happily married (not my first wife, but she’s certainly my last!), the father of a grown daughter, and a grandfather to five girls. And father-in-law to my son’s mates and ex’s. So that’s a lot of input from “the other team.”

These are rules for getting along with women. They’ve been reviewed and endorsed by women. Don’t think or debate about these rules, just follow them and you’ll be fine.

Oh, yeah. And if you are saying to yourself, “I don’t need this crap. I’m already in a relationship — I’ve got mine.” Let me tell you, Sparky, you need to make sure you’ve covered the bases below to keep your relationship fresh — you know what happens to something stale. Nothing stays the same. Our country’s divorce rates prove it.

Here’s a secret; I don’t try to “understand” women. I find the sexes behave so differently that I’m sometimes surprised we interbreed! I understand the humanity we have in common, of course, but I don’t know what makes a woman tick, and frankly I’m not sure it’s any of my business.

I’m clear on my responsibilities as a man, and the payoff for that is immense. And it will be for you also if you get these few simple rules.

Be The Guy!

First off, be the guy! We’re not the same as women, we’re complementary. We have different constitutions, and different jobs in a relationship.

Here’s a basic shorthand stereotype of the differences — women grow up; we don’t. Women have to bear and raise children, and worry about whether us guys are going to be functional and faithful, etc, while also managing outside jobs much of the time.

Most of us guys freeze at around twelve years of age. What about men’s jobs? Not too different from what we have always done, in school and on the play yard. We get along with our team mates and we pull our weight.

Then when we’re off work, we amuse ourselves with hobbies, crafts and sports. Let’s face it — we’re not that complicated. We’re largely visual animals, attracted to shapes and movement.

Women Are Not Just Soft Guys – They Notice Little Things

They think about relationships a lot more than we do, and they’re generally more sensitive. They find more meaning in events than we do, and they notice a lot more detail. In many ways they’re smarter than men, and in a couple of ways (thank God!) they’re dumber. So if you want to get along with a creature that is generally more complicated than you, pay attention to what follows:

1. Don’t be offended if you already know this, because a lot of men don’t. It’s important to spruce up, because women notice. Clip your finger-and-toenails. Women don’t like claws. Or weird smells. Or waxy ears or hairy noses. Believe me, from what I hear lots of guys are clueless in this area. The key is to look yourself over as closely as you think she may get. They make mirrors that magnify, you know. Get one and use it.

2. When you ask her out don’t get “cute.” Say what you think. Tell her you like her and that you’d like to learn more about her. Then tell her you’d like to have dinner (or lunch, or coffee) with her. Simple, straightforward, respectful, truthful.

They won’t all say yes but wotthehell, you gave it a shot. And you did it right. And that will give you confidence to do it again. And again.

3. Never lie about yourself — it’s not worth it. If you’re not comfortable with yourself that’s your issue and you should be working on it. Life’s too short to waste it feeling lousy about yourself. And genuine self-appreciation will make you attractive and confident.

I’m astonished at the stories women tell me that they have heard from guys on the make. Women have a built-in BS detector, and men who lie are usually pathetic in the stuff they make up.

4. You don’t have to be “interesting” or super heroic. But you OUGHT to be genuinely interested in her. So try not to think about yourself. Pay attention to her. Show that you’re interested in her. That means being attentive, not sleazy.

It’s critical that you make a genuine connection with her. She’s a human being with her own hopes and fears, and many wonderful and mysterious sides. Take the time to get to know her. It’s the only way a relationship can be built — two people who are getting to know each other and not the social disguises that we’re encouraged to adopt.

Men And Women Are NOT Created Equal

5. Here’s a flash — equal rights shouldn’t mean equal treatment socially. We’re not the same, and political fashion doesn’t change the deep patterns of our sex differences. Women need to feel protected and provided for by their male escorts. Men thrive on approval from women. And there are a thousand ways for each gender to do their part in this ancient mating dance.

These days the “protect and provide” roles may be symbolic. Opening doors, pulling out chairs, helping with coats and walking on the outside when you’re on the street are the symbols that count. Seeing that she’s comfortable and that she gets what she wants is your job. Lots of guys don’t get it (or much else, I’m thinking).

Ask yourself this question: Why would a man spend thousands of hours studying fishing or golf and not read at least ONE book on manners? Isn’t getting and keeping a woman at least as challenging as hooking a fish or knocking a ball into a hole in the grass? And a lot more rewarding???

When To Leave Without A Backward Look

And on the flip side, if the woman you’re with makes you feel bad about yourself, get through your date as gracefully as possible and then — get gone!

We men get a lot of our sense of value from the way we’re treated by the woman we’re with, so pick your company carefully. Nothing will kill a man’s ambition and self-respect faster than a disapproving woman. One who cuts you down in front of others, belittles your interests, and generally makes you feel small. And there’s no man alive who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, and probably very few women.

The women in my life know that I will do anything for them. Except sacrifice my self-respect. That means that I will NOT abandon my friends, my family, or my principles on anyone else’s whim. Okay, enough negativity.

When It’s Good, It’s Very, Very Good

When you’re lucky enough to be with a woman who is responsive and appreciative, count your blessings and give your relationship enough time to learn how good it can become. Don’t be stupid about surface looks — a good woman is much more than just a shape. Shapes can change over time, but traits like humor, good nature, generosity and inner attractiveness just get better.

6. Relax. When you are genuine you can relax. If she doesn’t like you — no problem — some other woman will. The way I hear it, most women are overburdened by guys who are lying, or posing, or so focused on themselves they never connect anyway.

If you make a conversational fumble, laugh at yourself. Women want to be with someone who is relaxed and natural. Then you can pay attention to her, making your time with her enjoyable and good humored.

The time you are together can be a mutual discovery instead of a mating ordeal. I mean really, how do you think you could spend years with someone unless you practice the skills of being good company? Give it a try, in fact give it hundreds of tries. It’s gonna be fun!

And if you’re in a relationship with one of these fascinating exasperating wonderful creatures — make sure you’ve covered the bases above, and then once in a while, treat her like you just met her. It’s magical when you do that.

Men and women complete each other psychologically as well as physically. As my friend and colleague Charles Faulkner has often said, “Anyone who thinks a single person is the smallest unit of humanity just doesn’t understand human biology.”

Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, for the rest of your life!


Tom Hoobyar

© 2007, 2009 Tom Hoobyar

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